From The Quill of Suranya

I gave you my heart  Not looking for lessons  Nor expecting to be hurt. I trusted you with my soul,  My identity, my being.  Why is it that now,  I stand at your threshold,  Eyes full of tears,  Heart full of questions? Why can't you look at me,  When you say everything was a lie? If I had known, love was this  The pain I endure  The betrayal I feel  The trust was shattered into broken pieces  Of my never-to-be-healed heart.  I would have never loved you,  The way I unfortunately do.  ~ Suranya

So many have come and gone, So many have not succeeded, In leaving their mark. We are broken inside out; We always were Even before we knew what it meant. We were together yet alone. It made me wonder if Love was everything I read about in books. Loneliness comes to the soul In bouts of realisation; Like waves of reality hitting On daydreams of the heart, Waking us up in jolts. And then came the gloomy days When you were absent. Days which made me realise What it truly meant To love someone, Like in the books. ~ SURANYA

What if I told you this is not the end? You see, with some people.  It's a loop, rather than a straight line. You meet, you leave, but you can't escape.  What if I told you, we haven't met here But before we were, after we will be  In some other name, at some other place? What if you realise we are a boon  And a curse, in a maze  We keep running around. What do I make of this longing  The way I feel like lingering,  In your presence  And lamenting your absence. The way our skins touch  Sparks fly, it's not fireworks  But a whole show of lights!  What if I make you wonder,  What are we? Why are we here? Finding our way back to each other  Every time we decide not to. All I can say is, "I will be your first heartbreak  Be my first love?" ~ Suranya

 Why does sleep not come to the restless soul? Why does it hide from sight? Like a glimpse of your love? Why do nightmares haunt my daydreams? Why does life look like nothing but extreme As I look back at all that is lost? The string that once tugged at my heart, Pulling us near and apart, I was too weak to hold on anymore. The pearls scattered across the floor, As I broke free from what hurt, Your presence in my story Stung my soul like a poisonous ivy, In a garden of tulips and roses. Yet on nights like these, When it rains, the way it rained tonight, Drenching our souls in plight, Quenching our thirst for desires long lost, Will I be too shallow to admit, In the deepest corner of my broken heart, That I miss your presence Like a page missing from a book? Why am I writing at midnight? Awake, alert and sleepless Why am I scared of my thoughts? Why does our story not end? Even when it never began in the first place? Why does the chapter keep coming back In haunting memories of past...

Once upon a time in the mystic land Of mountains, forests and caravans, A tale was woven to be told beyond lives Of two people from different tribes. There was Qais, naughty and flamboyant  A rebel heart, pure soul, misunderstood  Apple of his father's eyes. Pampered, rotten, he would often. Refuse to take his lessons. There was Layli, beautifully gracious. Chieftain's daughter, always obedient  Eager to learn, eager to know She joined the lessons Where Qais would go. A strict teacher, two young souls Eyes met in a recognition age-old. Beyond this story, beyond this time They knew each other in realms divine; As if their book of love Was written beyond Time. Punished by the teacher, they would run, Qais took her hand and led her to fun. He would often sit alone and stare  At the mountains, beyond the village At the river, forests and foliage. Intrigued by the lesson from him Layli forgot the classroom limits. The mountain called, the river sang As Layli, in the meado...

 I place a rose on the tomb of Us,  The petals wither  And the thorns remind me of you  Hurting each other till we last. I burn from within in unfulfilled desire.  Looking for a purpose in the debris of lost hope.  But then comes the wind that puts out the fire  Forcing me to move on.  I resist. I protest. I can't forget. I won't forgive. With each step that I was forced  To drag back into your chessboard I leapt forward twice. I learnt to let go,  I was taught to forgive. I am resilient, fighting till I burn  Raising my voice for things  That only mattered to me;  Only to realise, I was a kid then,  A rebel without a cause  Who was I to fix you? Hope that you treat the next woman better?  By forgiving someone who never apologised. © Suranya

 I can only sleep when the world is awake. I spend my darkness in your realms. I burn the pages I wrote about you  Only to rewrite them every night. Is it a disease or a habit now? I can't really tell. My insomnia grows every single day.  And now I can barely tell reality from dreams. You seem so real, like I can stretch my arms  And touch you. Yet I can't. I long for you yet  I don't want you near me. I fear it will break the illusion of you  That I created around my world. You are perfect in it, the way I want  Like the role play of a character in my story. You are like the forgotten lines  Of the poems I once knew by heart. A familiar face in a stranger's body  You are pictures, memories and places  And a Tombstone of regret  Over the grave of my past. © Suranya

 I cry on my pillow with silent screams I turn the music up Hoping it makes your voices fade away. I know they are in my head  As they haunt my solitude each night. Your promises and apologies drown  In the lyrics and enchanting voice  That now engulfs my world. Reality vanishes into clouds. Of words that shape stories. As I pick up my quill Dip it in ink and begin to write,  The paper soaks in the lines. I am not me anymore This story was never mine to begin with. They say you need to be intoxicated To feel above it all. Aloof. Dissociated. But here I am, pushed and shoved  With my back to the wall. Shouting that I can't care less  Afraid that nobody could hear me. You all made me like this.  Pushed me over the edge  All of you, the sweet talkers, promise breakers Who never stuck by when I needed you.  Today, I know no drug can harm me  No habit can compel me.  For Hurt is the most powerful intoxication of all.  And heart...

 "I would never love someone like I love you." I promised in full sincerity.  To the first I ever loved. In letters, journals and poetry  Pouring my heart out in words  For that was the only way I knew  To shower love. But what value would words have  To the deaf ears of materialism?  I was blamed for not being like  The rest of them. (What does that even mean?)  And there I stood. Abandoned. "I would never love someone like I love you."  I said to the second chance.  In emails, messages and raw emotion  Often disguised as crude jokes.  I was afraid to be vulnerable.  This time, there was no goodbye.  Ghosted by humans and memories of the past.  I was shattered. "I would never love again..." I looked at you and lied. You weren't my first of anything.  Nor special like that. Not one who would reassure, "I am not like them." How would I know? I pushed you away because  I was scared of hurting myself;...

 Do you remember the first time on the couch, I had my arms around you like I always did.  And you hid your face from the horror movie In the protection of my chest,  I laughed at your reaction  Lifting your head up by the chin.  Our noses touched, and then we hesitated.  The curiosity growing in us  To know, explore and taste.  We gave in to the youth's call. Our lips touched for the first time.  Do you remember I asked  Are you sure? You said there is no turning back from this point On other days, I would debate it,  Today, all I could do was nod  And give in to lust  Promising myself it was love  When it wasn't  Perhaps to make me feel better  When I saw it in your eyes. ~ Suranya

 Sometimes life feels like  Someone who can't swim  Being thrown into a vast ocean  Gasping for breath  Hoping to stay afloat  While the salty water accumulates  In the lung. And then come people.  Who are the one boat you see while drowning  And you wave frantically at it  In a last bid to survive  Hoping to be seen and heard.  The one boat that throws a life jacket at you  And pulls you up and safe  On to the shore. You saved me. I whisper. But you cannot hear it. Gratitude turns into a slow-burning sensation.  Of unravelling the mystery that surrounds you.. The saviour, the Messiah, the Beloved. It was time for the boat to sail again  And I find myself being scared of the ocean; The storm that engulfs and eats ships Disturbs me to the core. But you seem to have your eyes set On the horizon, far beyond me  Your dreams to stay afloat  Surpasses my phobia of drowning. So you leave with a promise...

 This is not the first time  We met at the crossroads of life.  I feel it as deeply as you do. I recognised your eyes.  As soon as they met mine,  There was a similar longing in them  To know, to touch, to feel, and hear.  As if we have been doing so for eras now  The familiarity of your scent  Which I otherwise can't recognise  The comfort in your breath  That gives me warmth in the snowy night. And then I watched you extend your hand to me  As if to say, hold on to me now,  I have waited long enough  Travelled through cities and time  To reach out to you. And I do, expecting the touch to be electric.  Instead, there is a sense of mundanity.  My heart skips a beat.  For I have never felt this familiarity in my life Our fingers entwine as we walk.  Silently through the busy street. To most onlookers, we are lovers,  To those who know, strangers,  To us, soulmates tied by an invisible...

It was a decade ago That I wept with my head Silently on the pillow In the empty room On the darkest night. Today, everything is the same. My tears. My agony. My secrets. Only people have changed. Reasons have changed. Do I attract a pattern? Does the same story repeat itself? I don't ask you for anything. Yet now, I am tired. I am tired of waiting. I am tired of my patience. My understanding. My triggers and trauma. I want to move on to better things. I don't want to wait to be happy anymore. I want to witness sunsets and embrace darkness. I want to write about everything I believe in. And this time I choose myself over you. ~ Suranya

 I saw you make rings of smoke  Of the cigarette you lit as we lay together.  Your hand felt sweaty in mine  You shrugged it off, complaining about the summer.  I stared at my empty finger as the ring you made  Disappeared into thin air just like promises.  That was the moment I felt suffocated with you.  And it had nothing to do with the smoking. Did our story begin somewhere?  Or did it end in a whelm?  Did we know the date or time  We promised that everything would be the same  Or the exact moment we fell out of love?  Was it a mere habit or just the pain of separation  That kept us together all this time?  Were we ever in "love" with each other  Or we were simply the easiest option  Not to feel lonely at night;  To be emotionally validated or even  Pretending to be cared for? All I know now is that, with sunrise  I have to pick up my clothes and bid you goodbye  And as I do, I wi...

 I told the moon a secret,  In trickling pearl drops  And words of regret  That formed the clouds above.  The grey clouds took my tale to the sea,  Who told the river my silent plea?  In turn, the mountains knew my plight,  And the stars smiled upon me at night.  Now the entire universe knows my story  Except you,  Who should have known truly. © Suranya

 We were, for a long time  Sharing everything under the sun  I didn't know it was so important  To chase people all the time;  I always wondered why I lost them  Perhaps 1 grew out of them  Or they evolved more than me. Our views changed on things;  Politics, religion, caste, creed, phobias  Things that didn't matter once  Now became relevant. Or perhaps I was selfish enough  Didn't ask, how you are?  But did you know my tears?  My fears and failures?  Before you judged my intentions? Our story is short and unexpected  It stops at an open end  I don't know whether we will talk again  Or ever see each other's face  Our bond is now like a tree in autumn  The leaves have slowly fallen  But there's still hope for spring  I keep my heart's door open  Lest you want to come home again. © Suranya

 Lost in the trail of success,  Fame and time.  He walked into the empty Villa.  Turning on the lights of his luxurious home  His eyes fell on the wall full of pictures. Moments that have passed by.  Her smile. Her tears. Her fears,  All came haunting back. He gulped down the drink.  Not letting the guilt get to him again. Trying to forget the pain Void.  Emptiness, Regret. Despair. He lost her,  First slowly, then all at once.  He had never paid attention  To her silent screams.  Her vanishing dreams.  He realised it all day.  Her presence was replaced in a moment,  By a paper and memories.  And he knew for sure.  In the rat race called Life  He had lost this once.  Life in all its flavours.  Is it worth the fame and success?  Only if someone is there  To share it with you.  Life was always about  Chasing dreams for him.  Until today, he has realised  S...

 The star I once wished upon,  To be your favourite song  Turned out dead; Burnt away aeons ago,  Yet ignited in illusion,  Light years apart,  Just like our Love. © Suranya

Skipping through the songs that hurt,  Writing down my thoughts in the dark  Reading between your lines since the start  I realised how naive I was to fall prey  To your overly charming ways.  Gathering the pieces of me you scattered around  All the trauma you left in rebukes all along  I decided to live for me instead.  I fixed my heart, 'coz I realised  Trying to undo the past and forget it was insane,  But moving on was not impossible  'Seeing' you was all it took to realise my mistake.  © Suranya

 What is it in you that I fell in love with? I can't remember right now. Perhaps because you and I have had similar lives Betrayal, loneliness, misunderstanding Is this how love is supposed to be? Mundane, stable and unlike the slow-motion drama Rom coms promise you? No jitters, no fake promises No jealousy hidden in the facade of possessiveness, No entitlement or ownership  Just companionship with a touch of reality As long as it lasts? © Suranya