From The Quill of Suranya

 A rush of warmth; It feels like my head is going to explode. There's anxiety and a headache, There's life and meaning, There's everything and nothing.  And no matter what I read, What I know, How much I distance myself, How aloof I feel, I am pulled back into a whirlpool Of emotions I suppress Feelings I dread; As I find myself slipping away In nightmares and afterthoughts Of choices I never got to make. ~ Suranya

 The voices in my head, Screaming at the void, Getting louder every day. Some applauding, others panicking Mostly distorted and chaotic. I have tried to listen to them, To the wind that whispers in my ear, The sound of everything around me Deafening my thoughts and fears. Yet every day, even in the numbness Of unsure silences, the voices echo. They get louder and louder As if they are unheard. And I scream, in silent reassurances, 'I am listening!' as they laugh, 'Are you, really?' ©Suranya

 Does my voice not reach you? Does my breath not echo? I keep repeating myself,  In desperate need to be heard. Why am I so difficult to interpret? Is my language different from yours? Why am I so hard to understand? Or do you ever try to? Each passing day, each dark night,  Little by little, my heart beats slower  I slip into oblivion in shreds of the past Hoping to be immortal,  In ink and ideas; I write down everything you can't hear  In verses, phrases and letters. Hoping that some day,  Long after I leave,  Someone will understand them,  Hear me plead. Connect to the voices silenced,  Value my thoughts. It is perhaps then,  I will truly LIVE through my words. ~ Suranya

Gravely ill or mostly isolated in  a room, fairly bored, thinking of  possibilities and fearing the  inevitable doom, we often reflect  back on the journey already travelled,  the options explored, and paths not  chosen. What ifs shroud our minds,  and we often think of the choices  we never made. What if we went that  way? Would our story be any different?  What if we never loved the people  we loved? Never regretted our  choices? Never understood right  from wrongs? Would we still be the  person we are? Maybe not. But would it all decrease the pain we felt in life? Maybe so. If we never felt pain, how would we understand it? Funny how every time we feel pain, physical or otherwise, we tend to think we have never felt so much before. We have never been hurt this way. But is there truly a parameter to measure the different pains under different circumstances? I guess not. Therein lies the beauty of life. If we never h...

 If tomorrow starts without me,  Just let the good memories be. Remember the summer afternoons and ice lollies,  The winter picnic and folly. Autumn in all its colourful glory,  Spring is setting in slowly. Remember the days in the school lanes,  Or the college canteen and guitar strings; That day you smiled at me in a crowd,  Or held my hand without a doubt. But here we are, at a crossroads; My heart and mind are in a mess,  Each day I sink into darkness. Drown in the sea of desires Waves of expectation and dreamy chase,  Consuming me bit by bit in stress. Remember me for the happiest times,  Not the bags under my eyes or sleepless nights. Remember me for my laughter,  Not the pain I unwillingly suffered. ~ Suranya

"Distances do wonders", they say. You often witness it differently. Here, confined in the house, You barely see them anymore. Every time a sneeze makes you anxious, The fear that looms underneath it is obvious. Every time you feel upset or lonely, You resolve the fights very quickly. What if there isn't a next time? What if you can never hug tight? Unsaid words, scary silences Unsurity, irritation and helplessness; Where do we stand? What does the future hold? So close, yet so far, situations unfold. Distances are a curse, you realise in dismay, When the loneliness is there to stay And you are with them, yet you aren't. It's like a boon and a bane, Lasting for days. ~ Suranya

There's a storm outside my window, Gustling, howling, rampaging through the street. There is another in my mind Fighting hard, trying to survive in peace. The gale dies down, as rain floods the lanes Mine pours down, still remains the same. Nobody knows what caused the sky to rebel. Some say it is Hell's angry Devil. Perhaps we know what the mind's unrest is about, It is fearful of the uncertain, without a doubt. Unlike the one outside, free and flying, The storm stuck inside is caged and dying.  ~ Suranya

Trapped in four walls, You feel an urge to break free  Barriers of brick are all you see. You want to step out  Feel the precious breeze,  And explore the world.  Forbidden to see.  Is it because the heart just wants to rebel? Is it because you know you can't? Trapped in your limitations,  Of knowledge, awareness and traditions,  Of you, me and them, yours and theirs,  Why do you never feel like breaking free? What should and should not be,  Right or wrong, morals and values,  Doesn't your mind ever feel the chains?  That binds it down to the society so insane? Boundaries shroud its path every day  Of politics, caste, creed, and religion;  Patriarchy, misogyny, and perceived notions. Trapped in your comfort zone,  The same routine of expectations,  Living to die, yet not alive,  In shackles of century-old traditions. Why is it that your body feels trapped,  When it is really the mind imprisoned  Ho...

 Flaunting my achievements and needs  I admire my grandeur and skills;  I care a damn for what others feel. I pretend to like you more,  Say the things you want to hear,  But all I want is to win your heart  Because you resisted me from the start. And now that you are here for me  My challenge to myself was successful.  I am pleased. Let me take you for granted and see, Never bother to show any gratitude for your deeds, Not letting go of the toxicity,  I will make sure you feel inferior and suffer from anxiety,  That's how I make a universe out of me. © Suranya

 Words unsaid, apologies unheard,  The ego often tore a relationship apart  Love unrequited, lessons unlearned,  Beliefs upturned. "What if" "Should I..." Confidence low,  Doubts, hindering progress. And before you know  Life ends up in a mess.  Perhaps in the end  All you can do is regret,  For every breath you take  It is a countdown to death. ~ Suranya