Today I was going through an old box of memories. Cassettes, scrapbooks, slam books, Mills & Boons, Tintin comics, Meg Cabot's Princess Diaries series... And I chanced upon a journal I used to keep back in college. I had no idea how it got mixed up with the school notebooks and teenage hobbies. I fondly remember keeping a diary every day back then, since my early teens, well into college. Even if the day was uneventful, I would still end it by writing down what happened. The random page turned to 23rd March, 2013.
I don't remember what happened that day.
But I wrote that I was crying alone in my room.
I don't remember what the argument was about, but I had blamed myself for everything bad around me. Back then, I was neither aware of my mental health nor could I recognise toxic relationships. Perhaps because I was in one. I had quoted every word he said that day. I had even asked myself why I was with a person so self-absorbed (I perhaps couldn't use the word selfish). But in the end, I blamed myself.
I blamed myself for not being the person he hoped I would be. I blamed myself for not loving him the way he wanted to be loved. I blamed myself that I was not being someone else.
I blamed my looks and bank balance because he expected "better".
Reading the words today made me feel uneasy. Perhaps because I had grown into a woman of substance from a girl with dreams. Perhaps because I know today, "It was not me. I was just trying too hard to be someone I was not." Perhaps because today I know I deserve better. I expect better behaviour from people. And most importantly, superficial show off is not what I want from relationships. I learned it the hard way. Nobody tells you that being with Narcissists gives you a lifetime of trauma and triggers that affect you mentally and often unknowingly ripple into your other relationships. I live with those traumas and embrace my triggers as a part of who I am. And I am grateful I kept diary entries every day.
I don't remember what happened that day.
But I wrote that I was crying alone in my room.
I don't remember what the argument was about, but I had blamed myself for everything bad around me. Back then, I was neither aware of my mental health nor could I recognise toxic relationships. Perhaps because I was in one. I had quoted every word he said that day. I had even asked myself why I was with a person so self-absorbed (I perhaps couldn't use the word selfish). But in the end, I blamed myself.
I blamed myself for not being the person he hoped I would be. I blamed myself for not loving him the way he wanted to be loved. I blamed myself that I was not being someone else.
I blamed my looks and bank balance because he expected "better".
Reading the words today made me feel uneasy. Perhaps because I had grown into a woman of substance from a girl with dreams. Perhaps because I know today, "It was not me. I was just trying too hard to be someone I was not." Perhaps because today I know I deserve better. I expect better behaviour from people. And most importantly, superficial show off is not what I want from relationships. I learned it the hard way. Nobody tells you that being with Narcissists gives you a lifetime of trauma and triggers that affect you mentally and often unknowingly ripple into your other relationships. I live with those traumas and embrace my triggers as a part of who I am. And I am grateful I kept diary entries every day.
© Suranya
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